Live footage from the Federal Reserve. You may find some scenes dis-comforting...
WHAT on earth...?
Sorry, if you could just keep turned to the wall...
But what in the hell is that?!
This? Why, it's the...ummm...it's the Easer!
The what?
The Easer. You know, for the Quantitative Easing. Now, if you could just keep facing the wall for me...
Does it really have to be so big? Jeez, it looks...it looks medieval...
Aw, but this is state of the art. Ground-breaking, in fact! And you are a very sick man, as we discussed. The blood-tests would prove it...if only we had time to wait for the lab to come back with the results.
I don't know about this, doctor. I'm feeling kinda bloated already...
Precisely the problem, my good man! If you were up-to-par today, you'd be feeling ravenous...gobbling down whatever slop the clinic's canteen was serving. But since you can't stomach any more down the usual route, then we'll just have to go in...well...go in the other way, as we doctors call it. You see the logic, of course.
Hmm, I guess. But this Quantitive Easing...How does it work exactly?
It's not quantitive, it's Quanti-tay-tive....and you must forgive me, but explaining this to a layman even a smart guy like you, and a guy with such deep pockets too really would take too long. We need to cut to the chase, see. There's not a moment to lose. Besides, I'm due on the golf course at three...
There's really no other option?
In technical terms, you should be dead by now. In fact, I'm not entirely sure that you aren't already...
Can't we run through the alternatives first?
The alternatives?! Look, I spoke with my colleague Dr. Paulson over at the renowned Washington Clinic across the street. I checked with Dr. King at the Threadneedle Clinic in London...y'know, just off Harley Street? Then I called Dr. Roth's team in Switzerland...Hell, I even rang the Chinese, just to see if there wasn't something I might be missing with tigers feet or panda roots or such like! But they all agreed. You need a mega-dose of quantité and quick...
A mega-dose of what?
Of quantité. Y'know, from the French. As in Quantitative Easing. As in the treatment you've come for...to get your quantité eased...
So this procedure is French?
What's with all the questions? You're not here from 60 Minutes are you? I already got Dr. Paulson to sign the consent form for you. So if you could just face the wall, we can get started, and then I can hand you over to Dr. Obama's after-care clinic...
I simply want to know what's happening...
Jeez, okay, okay. The treatment was perfected in Japan about a decade ago. Y'know...shiatsu, Shiseido, ground wasabi, all that mineral extract stuff. Hell, you could walk of here today with the clear complexion of a Tokyo school girl! Well, maybe not walk exactly. Not today...
But will it work, doctor?
Work? You just saw the size of The Easer, right? Thing is, the Japanese applied it too little, too late. My analysis proves it...or rather, it would prove it...if only we could roll back the clock like I've rewound the US to the 1930s. But see, during the Depression, the clinical consensus for unblocking pipe-work was a diet of liquids and liquidation. Crazy, ain't it?! And in Japan, it was like 10 years before Tokyo dared to use The Easer. That's why the effect was so muted.
Hang on...You mean Quantitative Easing has never actually cured anyone?
Not in practice, no. But in theory? This is cutting edge. You're gonna make history! Really, this thing works magic. On my econometric models, it's already prevented the Great Depression and Japan's Lost Decade, too...
You just said that it failed in Japan...
Only in reality...
Are you sure you know what you're doing? Are you even qualified?
See that certificate on the wall up there?
Graduate of Spring Break, 1978...?
Just look at that gilt frame! See the workmanship...? Look hard now...keep looking...keep looking...and away...she...goes...!
HEY! Now just hold on, Doctor Bernanke! I really am feeling much better today. Just a little run down, you know? And bloated, like I said. So I just can't see how yet more of your easing is going to help. I mean, Dr. Greenspan swore blind we were all done with ease and easing and easy after four years of the damn stuff back in 2005. But now look at me! Swollen and flabby...and with more gas than Russia. Really, all I think I need is a rest...
A rest?! In your condition?! You'd freeze up entirely, man! Your entire Liboric system could shut down...
My what?
Your Liboric system. It could shut down. Entirely.
You guys make it all sound so complicated...
Aw, c'mon just look at The Easer! You think this is rocket science?
Looks more like a giant turkey baster...
That's the spirit! I've always preferred goose, myself...Anyways, if you could just relax for me. Trust me, this will be so much easier if you just try to forget what's actually happening.
That's what Dr. Greenspan said...
Adrian Ash,
for The Daily Reckoning Australia
P.S. to get The Daily Reckoning direct to your inbox sign up to our free e-mail newsletter or if you prefer to use RSS, subscribe to the Daily Reckoning RSS feed.
Related Articles:
- Feds Plan to Duplicate the “Success” of Quantitative Easing
- How Quantitative Easing Has Paralyzed the US Economy
- The French are Feeling Pretty Smug
- The True Products of Quantitative Easing
- China Reduces Holdings of Treasury Securities
About the Author
City correspondent for The Daily Reckoning in London and formerly head of editorial at Fleet Street Publications Ltd, Adrian Ash has been studying and writing about the investment markets for the last 9 years. He is now head of research at BullionVault - giving you direct access to investment gold, vaulted in Zurich, on US$3 spreads and 0.8% dealing fees.
Comment by John on 10 January 2009:
I enjoyed that, pretty funny! Thanks!
Comment by Joe on 10 January 2009:
Some analysis would be appreciated (and surely true to form it will come as sure as eggs is eggs) if you guys could provide us with some explanation of where that nice gift of $425 Billion by the Treasury went to.
No ... Actually went to ... I mean .. where is it .. all that money hasn't just disappeared now ..... Or .... has it ...
Not one of the banks that took any part of the $425 Billion should be shut down .... And they go on about the inability of Satyam to properly account for its' finances .... For Christ's sake ... These are banks, the biggest fiscal institutions in the World .. Do the laws of accounting and corporate governance stand for nothing ..
I fully expect to hear more on this, especially from the U.K where it seems the money invested by UK plc into the banks has also disappeared, namely, in that it has not been used for the purpose intended ... namely increasing the will of the banks to lend to the rest of us giving over our future tax liabilities.
This World of ours is really ... really screwed, and I do not say this lightly, but, revolutions and wars have occurred or have been fought for less than the clear and fragrant abuse of the masses to the benefit of the few we are seeing today.
As can be seen with the Russian gas supply dispute, when times are tough so too are the international relationships we all rely on for continued peace and stability, they become stretched to breaking point.
Remember, the last great slump was only ended with a big War.
Comment by Greg Atkinson on 13 January 2009:
I am always curious when I see that the Japan experience of the 1990's is considered a failure. Of course there were some policy errors but I wonder what Adrian Ash and others would suggest the Japanese government had done after the economic bubble burst? It was party due to the experience of the 1990's that Japanese banks managed to sidestep most of the current sub prime mess. In addition, Japanese companies are now cashed up and buying foreign firms at a record rate. Oh the the public transport system is not a total mess, you can get a 100Mbps internet connection at your home and the Japanese actually build high speed rail networks (since the 1960's) rather than talking about them for 20 years. (but Kev07 will fix all that...)